Hello sweet child. I am writing you this letter today because I walked out on you and everyone yesterday, and I want you to know why. I want you to look back on that night and understand it was because I love you so much. I walked out the door, and I kept walking because I needed to breath and think about why we were butting heads.
See, my precious, you are everything to me. You made me a mother. We aren’t seeing eye to eye right now, and I am wracking my brain and reading books to understand you better.
I want you to know how special you are. You are incredibly smart. Your mind races from one idea to the next, and you put together the mysteries of the world in the most beautiful, philosophical theories. Your appetite for fun, adventure and danger are insatiable, and sometimes I’m envious at how magically you see the world.
You’d have your license, make yourself dinner and be off to see the world if I’d let you. You have no filters, no pain and nothing holding back your ideas and capabilities, except that you are only four.
I forget that you’re just a four year old because we have such mature conversations. You repeat everything you hear as if you’re another adult in my life. I have to remind myself that your body and your mind aren’t quite in sync yet. Your little-boy hands and feet can’t stop moving, even though your mind understands why they should. You can’t help but wonder what happens when you throw your car off a cliff. You understand why you can’t hit your brother, but your frustration over takes you, and you haven’t developed the maturity to stop yourself from hitting him.
I have so much love for you, my oldest boy, and I want you to know I am working hard to better understand you, how to discipline you and how to make you feel loved. I didn’t walk out the door and leave you and your brother that night because I didn’t love you. I knew you were safe with Daddy, and I knew everything was okay, but I allowed myself to leave and take a break from our struggles, so we could find harmony again.
You are a brilliant child who challenges and stretches me to find a patience I never knew I had. You are a little boy who exudes a pure joy and happiness for life, that I don’t want to tame in any way. I want to allow you to run wild and feel all that is wonderful, but I also need to set safe boundaries.
I want us to remember that night as a time when we weren’t seeing eye to eye, but a turning point where I put on my big girl pants and worked harder to understand, love and guide you as we figure things out together.